What I am worried about is that she might be coming on to me, but at the same time, I am also worried I might be acting paranoid.
Basically, this woman has come over to my desk a number of times, and she usually rubs my forearm or shoulder. Another time, I was looking out the window, and she came up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders and began rubbing them.
Now I do see her touching others briefly when she talks to them, but it looks like I am the only one she rubs on the shoulders like this. So am I being paranoid, or might she be hitting on me ?
The trouble is, I dont want others to start spreading bad rumours about me, and I dont want my job to be in danger. At the same time, if I go and complain about her and she is just acting normally, I also risk getting in trouble. So am I just imagining stuff, or does anyone think my concern is genuine ?
Next time she does it, gently tell her not to do that. Don't make a big deal of it and it's not really something to complain to the bosses about. If she was touching you in an inappropriate place, for instance patting your bum, then I would complain, but shoulders, no, unless she is pressing herself against you at the same time in a suggestive fashion. As someone else has said some people touch without it meaning anything, just a way of getting your attention, or emphasizing something. I worked in an office many years ago as a junior typist when very short mini skirts where fashionable. My boss used to pick me up and swirl me around, giving everyone else in the office a view of 'next week's washing'!!!
I repeatedly asked him not to do this, I was embarrassed as hell each time, and he did it one time too many and I slapped him and ran out to the personnel office. But I don't for one minute think your co-worker is being suggestive from what you say, so just ask her nicely, without getting angry not to do that as you don't like being touched unexpectedly. She'll probably be as embarrassed as she makes you feel and won't do it again. Good luck!
Develop some strategies. If she touches you on the arm, it's probably her way of attracting your attention. So make a big deal of jumping, as if you were startled.
If she rubs your shoulders, say, "Ouch! That hurts! I wrenched my back a while ago, and it hasn't finished healing."
The likelihood is that she's just a touchy-feely person, and that other folks have thanked her for her little back rubs. So don't attack her or accuse her of anything – just show her in an impersonal way that you react badly to being touched.
This woman is old school. Old school means that back before the 1980's people in office settings, well people were more friendly before certain laws came in, as well as certain rules and regulations people need now to follow in an office setting. If I were you I'd report her to "her" supervisor (not yours) saying you thought she's ok but you wanted to save her job by letting her know that that she's going to get into trouble if she's going to be touchy. Say it's not complaining but since times have changed she might not know the current laws and company rules. If you take it from a concern standpoint and not a complaint standpoint you'd make your point and she'd be thankful.
PS, she's not coming on to you.
and I remember round about 1982 when I slammed my boss' fingers in the drawer when he reached in front of me to get something out of my middle drawer and had his hand on my shoulder at the same time. He got angry and it meant my promotion. That's why I say take no mean action and save your job as well.
I've been working at my company with the same boss for nearly 18 years. I remember when I first started he would come up behind my chair and put his hands on my shoulders and squeeze them. It was inappropriate, in my mind and I didn't like it. I used to jump too and he never got the message.
I finally told him one day, without even taking my hands off the keyboard or looking at him, that I really didn't like being touched.
He never did it again.
I don't think she even realizes what she is doing. Some people are touchy-feelie. If you don't like it, tell her.
You didn't mention if you were a guy or girl, so I can't fully analyze the situation.
If you're also a women, yes it is a little strange. But maybe that's her acting normal.
If you're a guy then maybe that's her way of flirting.
Either way it is weird, I'd give it a little time before you go to the office about it. I'd bluntly tell her you don't want to be touched, that's all, so she gets the point
You must realize that bosses do not want to be babysitters or referees. Therefore, if something is not right, you must first try to solve the problem yourself in a diplomatic way.
The next time this person touches you this is what I recommend you do: Flinch. Tell her that you do not want to be touched and are sorry you did not mention it the first time it happened, but no longer wish for her to touch you. Have eye contact with her and make yourself clear.
If she does it again, just repeat, word for word, what you told her the first time about not wanting to be touched. Then, every time she comes near you, back away, just out of arm's reach. If it should happen again, then that would be the time to go to Human Resources, NOT your boss. Okay?
In the mean while......don't talk to any of your co workers about this because they will take it and blow it up, out of proportion.
It is less likely she is coming on to you, and more likely this is her accustomed way of relating to people Being new, she is trying to establish some relationships. Touching is one way to create a sense of social bond, even if just for her..
You don't have to tolerate this. If you give a non-verbal signal like pulling away, also give a positive verbal message like: I'm glad you're here and look forward to working with you, hope you'll like being here.
You mentioned she is an "Older women"... Thus, assuming she is an elderly women thus it could be the normal tendency of speaking to 'Youngster's' & assuming she speaks in same pretext she is speaking to their 'Kids'.
Yes, if you do not like it than clearly object it. Many fear of things unknown to them but believe me if you don't challenge it than you gonna be with it.
Next time she makes the 'Touching or rubbing' being polite just tell her you do not like it & avoid doing it. If she has the right attitude & a good person she will abide it & stop it. She may even open up & express it 'Why she likes doing it"...
If she continues it than irrespective of her age or gender , it is the direct violation of an individual privacy & can be expressed under sexual harassment & do not fear to report it to your superior's (Manager's) or your PR.
If you give a non-verbal signal like pulling away, also give a positive verbal message like: I'm glad you're here and look forward to working with you, hope you'll like being here.
Go with the flow
