Do not put your money in a joint account! That is the worst thing you can do. Don't give free spending power to someone who spends impulsively. You do need to come up with a plan, have her write down everything she spends and take it to financial counselor or even a marriage councilor. She needs to get her spending under control. No it is not fair to you to be paying most of the bills when she makes the same amount of money. I would stop giving her money if I were you. She needs to learn some responsibility.
Tell your wife that it's not really her money when you have to keep bailing her out. The current system isn't working, and you're not comfortable leaving her to sink or swim (if only because of what it'll do to your credit), so she either needs to come with you to a financial advisor appointment and commit to an agreed-upon money management system, or she needs to admit that this is not one of her strengths and let you manage things from now on. And if she still refuses to change anything, then you two need more general marriage counseling, because there is a serious lack of trust on both sides here.
There certainly seems to be more problems in the relationship than just the finances, but my suggestion for the financial end of things would be to set up a joint account with a direct deposit from both of your paychecks to cover the essential fixed household expenses - mortgage, utilities, cable, groceries, etc.- and divide up the percentage contributed by you equally (since you're saying you both make the same amount). Tell her anything over and above that is hers to spend however she likes, but that she needs to learn to manage it better if she wants to avoid overdrafting her own account. Tell her that you won't be "helping her out" anymore, because the only way to get onto the same page financially is for her to stop relying on you as a safety net.
After the HUGE fight that will inevitably ensue, I suggest you contact a marriage counselor and start visiting her twice a week.
To all who think joint accounts are a good idea? What do you think happens when you give a spender who refused to budget full legal access to now two paychecks in one account: It gets spent!
Don't combine accounts whatever you do, that will just give her access to more money to spend. Ultimately a budget you both stick to with martial counseling will help the most. Otherwise you need to hold her responsible for the bills she needs to pay, you can't keep bailing her out. Unfortunately it will be very messy for both of you if she doesn't pay something important she agreed to and you refuse to help, but its the only way to force her to be responsible. Some people only learn to budget by being burned and unfortunately you are married to one of them. Its not going to be easy without a martial counselor.
You EACH have $X to spend - I agree with Hurricain. It's either a marriage, joint, or it's not. In my marriage we put all of our money in the same account. We then pay out the household expenses. We add to our savings. We don't get an allowance per se, but we both certainly have the latitutude to buy what we need/want. We've never set a specific dollar amount, but I have the "freedom" to purchase what I need/want if it's on the expensive side.
We talk about finances. I'd try it.
Love endures all things. If you both love each other, you will find a way to work it out. It won't be easy but it is possible.
As regards her spending, you could suggest that she withdraws a certain amount before she goes shopping and that she only spends that amount in a certain time period. That way she doesn't have to do any math, she'll just have to know a certain limit.
Also, I don't suggest playing childish routines like not speaking to each other (I know you didn't say you did that) but I would suggest you asking her for money a couple of times. Just to see how she takes it, maybe get her thinking a little.
My last advice would be just to talk to her about it. Talk about it calmly. I'm sure you've spoken about it, just keep doing it until she slowly starts understanding. Just make sure you don't do it accusingly, try to focus on how you are affected rather than focusing on what she's doing wrong.
You throw all your money into one pot. You be partners, you be a married couple.
Not two individuals working for their own benefit . this is not what marriage is about.
So all the money goes into a common pot.
You two sit down, perhaps with a financial advisor (very good idea, at the start) and figure out how much money there is and how much your bills and non-optional expenses are.
Those get paid out of the common pot.
And you both sit down and decide how much you get or a personal weekly allowance. I like a lunch out during lunch hour, from time to time. My husband likes a few beers with the boys after work on Friday. We both like a bit of change in our pockets for whims. THESE come out of our personal allowance. And a bit extra (because our budget affords it), so that we have the opportunity to save up our allowance for bigger expenses that do NOT need our partner's pre-approval..
All NON-allowance expenses have to be mutually agreed upon in advance.
The budget should include debt payments, utilities & housing costs (including repairs, if you own), transportation (including gas, insurance and car repairs if you own cars), savings (3 months' living expenses in an emergency), savings (for retirement), savings (for big-ticket items like vacations, expensive dental emergencies, etc).
But you BOTH agree on where the money goes. Out of a joint pot.
Otherwise you two are not a couple. You may be legally married, but psychologically you two are no more committed to each other than roommates who happen to share a bed.
How do you resolve the inevitable disagreement about how joint monies are allocated?
By becoming unselfish people .. by setting aside some of your individuality in support of this third "entity" called US. By caring as much about what your partner wants as you do about what you want.
By understanding that "wants" are NOT "needs", and that getting what you want makes you temporarily thrilled but does not produce inner happiness
Update #1: You married a woman who does not want to be married. Your mistake. Maybe marriage counseling might help, or you might scare some sense into her by leaving her & making marriage counseling the only condition for getting back with her (but that might not produce lasting results)]
Update #2: You married a selfish woman. Your mistake. Let me guess .. you married her for reasons of lust and/of infatuation ... big mistake.
You married a loser. Most likely you only have 2 choices: accept that this is how she is and just let her have her way ... or leave her. No marriage lasts without acceptance, and we can only change ourselves (not someone else).
A good way to overcome disagreement is by working together. I recommend an online budgeting tool that you can find at everydollar.com. Free to use, it was created by get-out-of-debt guru Dave Ramsey. Once the two of you actually agree together on how every dollar you both earn will be used, these agreements will evaporate.
We have a joint account. Any money that either of us makes goes in together. There is no his or hers, it's all ours. My husband is a spender, and I am much more frugal, so I handle the budget. Out of our joint account I make sure all of the bills are paid, and then we each get an allowance of personal spending money each month. We take that money out in cash, so it's impossible to overspend, when it's gone it's gone.
if your money were put together - she wouldn't have to ask you for it
if her job is to buy furniture for the house and you don't contribute? then your 70/30 isn't very accurate
if her job is to buy vacations and you do not contribute? then your 70/30 isn't very accurate
if she is buying things for herself and only herself - there are some big issues that a counselor is going to be needed to resolve
